Thursday, September 29, 2011

When Emm took her last breath, I was forever changed. I had never seen anyone die before. I would not have wanted it any other way, but it is still difficult to think about. There are three moments that are the most painful for me.

1. Hearing the words, "She has a mass in her liver".

2. Telling her she was going to pass to the other side soon.

3. Watching her take her last breath.

This is the week she all of a sudden started sliding down the hill toward death. We could have stopped her from sliding, but at what cost? About 5:30am the nurse came in her room to take her blood pressure. There wasn't one. All of a sudden there staff in her room moving faster than I had ever seen them move. Unplugging devices. Within minutes she was in the ICU. There was a doctor barking orders to six or seven others, like a drill sergeant. I was asked several times, "Do you want us to do everything possible to save her?" Two times I answered back, "yes." After a few hours our answer would change, when we found out how bad things really were.

Intubating could have killed her. They said her heart could have been permanently damaged and it was only functioning at 10% capacity. We decided not to do anything, but let nature take it's course. She made it though the day and the night. The doctors did not expect that. Why was she still fighting? She wanted to be home to die. She hated the hospital. The hospital arranged an ambulance to take her home. We rode with her. The doctors said there was a good possibility she would die in the ambulance. Not Emm, she was tough and patient. She waited till we arrived home. I carried her to her favorite place in our house, the couch in our front room. Twenty minutes later she took her last peaceful breath. She was gone.

My little Emmalee,

I miss you so much Emmalee! I think about you every day. I look at your friends and see how big they are getting and I always wonder how big you would be. I know you know how much I miss you and I know you miss us as well. At the same time I know you are happy and are close by and that makes me feel so good. I look forward to the day that we will meet again. It feels good to write this to you because I can get my feeling out. I don't cry often, but writing allows me to express myself more openly. I am so happy that you are out of pain. You have inspired so many people and I know you will continue to do so. There is a hole in our family that will never be filled. We are still learning to live with it and walk around it. You will never be forgotten. We miss you asking, "What's for dinner". Seeing you in our front room watching TV or playing your DS. I miss you telling me that, "girls rule and boys drool". I miss holding your hand, while walking you to your school class. I especially miss picking you up on Fridays after school. I miss your love of food and wanting to try all sorts of new foods. I miss your smile and your positive attitude. You faced death with courage and grace. There were so many who admited you for this.

Thank you Emm for coming into our life.




Jodi Redford said...

There is something to be said of writing down your feelings!!! Thanks for sharing! We appreciate your willingness to share your feelings, insight and memories with us! I know Emm is smiling and not in pain anymore! May your pain be subsided and your memories vivid! Thanks for the sweet words that brings comfort to so many! All our love, The Redford's

Splayd With Us said...

Thanks Jodi! I liked what you said about memories being vivid. They seem to fade over time. The post is a bit disjointed. It is from my heart. I had trouble seeing the screen through my tears. It does feel good to write things down.

KaraH said...

Sweetie, your words are beautiful--not "disjointed" at all. Thank you for being brave enough to share your feelings. It's been so hard for me to do the same. I still hurt so much even though I know sweet little Emm is happy and surrounded by love and light. I know we will be with her again. Love you Emm, miss you.

Suzy said...

Steve your words are beautiful, and not disjointed. I know that Emm is watching over you and your family. She did not die in vain remember that. She has helped a great many people in her short life and her courage to face death the way she did. I wish I could have known her, personally and not just from your words. You are a good man Steve.. and I think it takes a strong man to feel their feelings and express them like you do. Take care Suzy

Lilia Allen said...

Your feelings are beautiful and heart felt. You were so lucky to have her and she you even if for a short time. Such a wonderful impact she made on so many and an amazing spirit she is. Until you meet again.... May your pain be light and your memories and happiness strong!

Justine E. said...

That is beautiful