Wednesday, September 07, 2011


The summer before Emmalee died my parents came over to our house. We sat on the front porch. Emm was inside, sitting in her usually favorite place on the couch, watching TV and playing her DS.

The tone off my conversation with my parents started with the normal superficial pleasantries. We talked about Emmalee and how she was doing, the tests, scans, chemo pill she was taken and how she was emotionally handling having cancer. The conversation quickly turned serious. My parent are not the type to beat around the bush. My mom cut to the chase. "Could you accept it if Emmalee died?"

October 17, 2008 was the day she was diagnosed with liver cancer. When we were told she had a mass in her liver, I vividly remember flashes of the cemetery, where we actually ended up burying her, burst in my mind along with many other images and thoughts. I don't believe there has been a term yet coined for the powerful force that hit me in that moment.

Thoughts of her dying were like a heavy shadow that hung with me constantly. It is not as if I had never thought of her possible death before, but this questions made it real. Could I accept it if Emmalee died? In that moment my strength even shocked me. I calmly responded. "If it is God's will, I can accept it." What in the world was I saying? She is not going to die. Even in that moment, after I said those words, I wondered if I really could accept her death. If she did die what would it really be like?

October 1, 2009 was the day this reality hit. There is no way to prepare for a loved one's departure. It hit me with such a surprisingly powerful force. What was worse the diagnosis of cancer or her death? They both had a sting that will never go away. I can say that I accept God's will but the hole that has been left is something I continue to side step every day. I miss her but know her death has reason and purpose beyond my understanding.

What difficult things in your life do you need to accept right now? I am curious what things people are having difficulty accepting and why. I wonder what the barriers are to accepting something difficult?

What does acceptance really mean?

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